JUNIPER BEAUPRE BELL Clee

How can any parent even begin to justify such garbled, pretentious, hippy nonsense as this? Has any child been named 'Juniper' since Trevor & Simon from Going Live! murdered Donovan's 'Jennifer Juniper' back in the 1980s? In fact, has any child ever been named 'Juniper' anyway?


ORLANDO JOSEPH KINGSFORD Erith

This is getting silly now. How many little boys, in ten years time, will be patiently explaining to their classmates "No, I wasn't concieved whilst my parents were on holiday there, they named me after the bloke who played an elf in Lord of the Rings", only to get the reply "Who?"


ZACHARY SAMUEL FESTO and ELIJAH FREDDY BONIFACE Orr-Ewing

How? I mean, why? What? Oh, sod it, just call social services and have them placed with sensible parents. The father even calls himself 'Frog', for goodness sake.

OCTAVIA EMMA REN Peel - a sister for Anastasia

Look, it's very simple. 'Octavia' is what you call your eighth child, not your second. Fatboy Slim's real name is Quentin, because he was Mr & Mrs Cook's fifth child. You can't really get out of this one, so you'll have to refer to her as Emma - certainly not Ren, because everyone will assume her sister is called Stimpy.

ORLANDO MONTY DARWIN Ridgwell
Elves, soldiers and anthropologists rock your world, don't they? What interesting people Mr & Mrs Ridgwell must be...

EMILIA MAE JUBILEE Johnson

I have no more idea how you managed to have sex on the London Underground than I have as to why you would want to celebrate that fact by naming your child after one of the lines. Did you manage to keep going all the way from Stratford to Stanmore?

ARABELLA STAR NESSIE Streeter

You named your daughter after the Loch Ness Monster? Boy, is she gonna love you...

RAPHAEL TOBIAS ABRAHAM Chapple

Looks like someone swallowed a dictionary of renaissance painters.

ATHENA Randle

Why would anyone name their child after a failed greetings card shop?

ALLEGRA TINDALL GRACE Slesinger

Well done, 'Allegra Slesinger' doesn't sound like a 1970's family car at all, now does it?

AMBER SIENNA Vergopoulos

One can only imagine that the parents are avid readers of OK, Hello and the like.

INIGO ROBERT TREVITHICK Cottam - a brother for Coco

Mr and Mrs Cottam clearly have a thing for 19th Century inventors.

ISABELLA TRUDIE COCO DE LISLE Dowsett - a sister for Emilienne and Robert

Words fail me. Sadly, they clearly didn't fail Mr & Mrs Dowsett. Lucky Robert, eh?

RIA LIBERTY Marbeck

"Love is like a butterfly...". Poor thing, Wendy Craig as your role model...