ATALANTA CONSTANCE and ALGY GORDON FANSHAWE Royal - a sister and brother for Anoushka

I'm not sure which is more startling here. Algy, the sort of name not seen since Lenny Henry became Algernon Razzmatazz? Fanshaw, which I guess he should be happy isn't spelled Featherstonehugh? Or Constance, the sort of name guaranteed to make your daughter as contrary as Mary Mary?

Actually, I do know. It's Atalanta. Where the heck did that come from in this dog's dinner of abysmal nomenclature? I mean, it's not a nice name, but at least it seems to have come from somewhere close to the end of the last century.

HERMIONE MILLICENT Heppinstall

I can only presume that this is Victorian Dad's latest child. Either that, or the only book of children's names they could find was from about 1879.

TITUS JASPER JAKE ICARUS Rellie

Frankly, he is going to need all of the rellies he can get, because he's not going to get much change out of his friends. Let's go through this. He's Titus, after an infamous liar and perjurer. He's Jasper, a name of fun thanks to one Robert Davies. And he's Icarus, after the bloke who disobeyed the very simple instruction not to get too close to the sun. What's the betting he ends up being known as Jake?

SHEHEREZADE OGUZ Reith

I have not the words...

WILHELMINA SYBIL MARGARET McArdle

Even allowing for the obvious Irish connection, this is the sort of name which just screams 'please let my daughter be bullied by nuns'.

ESME ISADORA FREYA Evans

Esme Evans sounds like a spinster in 1920's Cardiff. Sorry, but it just DOES.

HUGO JAMES Donald - a brother for ARCHIE AND MONTY

Oh! I say! If we get any more upper crust, we'll turn into a pie.

MARTHA ALICE Danks

Oh dear. The poor girl already has to go a couple of decades with a faintly depressing surname, but now you go and give her a first name that, when combined with the depressing surname, makes her sound like a Victorian murder victim.

HECTOR VIKRAM JOHN Bodker

You have to accept that, to a certain proportion of the British population, 'Hector' will always be a cartoon dog. How was known for one thing. Being rather stupid. Still, too late to change it now, eh, Mr & Mrs Bodker.

MEREDITH ROSE O'Rourke - a sister for ISMENA and NAHLA

Is Nahla even a name, or an acronym?

And 'Meredith'? Let me guess, mummy was watching Grey's Anatomy during the labour (or possibly the conception)

ALGERNON BASIL Lindsay-Flynn

Why? In the name of all that is sacred, why?

CHARLIE GLADYS CLEMENTINE Hulse - a sister for APONI

Mrs Hulse got a daughter, when what she really wanted was Aponi.

Awful jokes are appropriate here, because poor little Charlie has got some real clangers for middle names. Naming after the mother is fine, the grandmother acceptable, but the great-great-great grandmother? If she'd been a boy, I'm sure she'd have been called Walter.

MYLO RICHARD YVES GALLAGHER

OK, we get the message, you like dance music. A lot. Just hope that he does...

FALCONER JACK Brocklebank

You are joking? Dear God, you have to be joking? Either you have some idea of your son's future career, or you are shamelessly sucking up to the Lord Chancellor.

CHARLES BANQUO Aldridge - a brother for Matilda

One of the important things about Shakespeare, Mr and Mrs Aldridge, is that he lived and wrote a very long time ago. You clearly don't know this, because if you did you would also realise that Banquo ended up as a flippin' ghost. You know, there's a good chance that the baby already knows more about the Bard than you do.