PERCY ANDREW PETER Hugh Smith - a brother for Teddy and Jemima

Someone's mummy and daddy watched way too many children's shows in the 1970s. Having done Thomas the Tank Engine, to follow Andy Pandy and Play School, what next? Morph? Bungle? Hartley?

Look on the bright side, Perce. You could have been a Humpty.

FLORA MYRTLE Burrell - a sister for Coco, Wilhelmina and Banjo

Banjo? What kind of arrant fvckwit names their child after a musical instrument? Was he - I am assuming the child is male - the result of some innocent strumming? Or did the parents pick a word from the Big Book of Uncool Instruments?

I hate to tell you this, Flora Myrtle, but you got off likely. Oh, and you have idiots for parents.

JUNO Temple

Another celebrity one. Again, I make no apologies for including her. What was her father [Julien, the film director] thinking of? Is there any logical reason to name your daughter after the wife of a Roman god? Or did he want people to think of her in the same terms as a garden folly? Maybe she was...

MAGIC de Lacey

As Wayne Campbell (he of Waynes World fame) would say, "Exsqueeze me?"

Magic?

Magic??

MAGIC?!?!?!?

Not a lot for a kid to live up to, is it? Either (a) you want him to be the best in the world at everything he does or (b) you want him to be the next David Blaine. Talk about imposing your own ambitions upon a child.

My guess would be that Mr & Mrs de Lacey are trying to live out their failed little lives vicariously through their child, having discovered that their only talent is for inheriting large sums of money.

LOLA KITTY Prior

It appears that Mr & Mrs Prior actually want their daughter to grow up to be a prostitute.