SCARLETT HONEY Bartlett

I know people called Scarlett. I even know someone called Honey. But both in one name is simply going too far. This poor little girl now sounds like something you find on a stall at a craft fair.

ALETHEA OTTAVIA GRACE Pugsley

This is what happens when you try too hard to make up for a 'difficult' surname. Alethea will now be laughed at whichever way the teacher calls the register.

MATILDA FLEUR Day

There is something about the name 'Fleur' that just makes you cringe. It's the sort of name that gives you the impression that the parents really didn't have a clue about a second name and sat in the register office going "Second name? Didn't think of that. How about ab, no cle, no fl, err".

HONOR TITANIA Fisher - a sister for Clemency

Hands up if you saw Midsummer Night's Dream recently? And 'Honor' is just an invitation for her to misbehave when she becomes a rebellious teenager.

CLEMENTINE MARGUERITE HARCOURT Hargreaves - a sister for Sorrel and Mungo

Clementine? Sorrel? Marguerite? Naming your children over dinner just doesn't work.

CHARLES LUDOVIC PERCY Napier

Ahem, Mr & Mrs Napier, you do know that it's not 1860 any more, don't you?

HEBE ROSALIND Legge

She's your brand new little girl and you love her very much. So you named her 'bush'...

LOUIS ALGERNON Wilson - a brother for Clementine

What possesses any parent to call their child 'Algernon'? Fans of Tiswas, perhaps? And do you pronounce the first name 'Lew-ee' or 'Lew-iss'? A truly hideous combination.

MISCHA PARRY TIGER Yearsley

I can't see the name 'Tiger' and not think that the parents loved Double Deckers far too much

TEO ROBERT MONTAGUE Burton

As a general rule, giving your child a first actually means something is a very good idea. The name 'Montague', on the other hand, always leads to comparisons with the uncle from Withnail and I - and we all know how he was described...

LYSANDER RUFUS TALISKER Davies

It's hard to know where to start with this one, but the fact that one of his names is a brand of whiskey leads me to wonder about the circumstances of his conception...

TEAGAN NIAMH LEWIS Green

The first name is South African, the second Irish, the third Celtic and the surname resolutely English. Why not call her 'Mongrel' and have done with it.

SETH THOMAS PETER Hedgcock - a brother for LOVEDAY

In a break with tradition, I wanted to point out the sibling's name. Loveday isn't even a proper noun, it's not even the name of a dodgy TV antiques dealer, it's just, well, awful, really.

TABITHA AILLIE FERNLEY Russell

Always nice to find a small girl named after a brand of cricket bat. Shame they mis-spelt it.

REUBEN MCKERROW and LOIS MAYA Logan

That's right, the twins born to Gaby 'ITV football' and Kenny 'Scottish rugby player' Logan. Don't you think there are enough stupidly named celebrity offspring without you starting?