FREDERICK JACOB PASTERNAK Wiseman

So, you want him to be an author. If you are very lucky, he can take a hint. If you are not, he'll wind up as a street cleaner.

SITA ORCHID GERTRUDE Philip

I don't normally pick up names with a foreign origin, but the combination of Orchid with Gertrude is just so awful and clunking that I can't ignore it. It's the naming equivalent of someone running their fingernails down a blackboard. Horrible horrible horrible.

AGATHA ROSE ARCHDALE Lees - a sister for Oli

Look, you muppets, it's 2006 not 1906. There's probably not been another child called Agatha since then. And what kind of a name is 'Oli'?

OLIVER Irow

It's not the first name, it's the whole name with this one. Try saying 'O.Irow' without sounding like the Kim Jong-Il puppet in Team America. Go on, bet you can't manage it...

FELIX SAMUEL BEAUMONT Day

I hope he grows up a cat lover, because he's going to get the "Cats who like Felix..." comment an awful lot

HECTOR RICHARD ORLANDO Bridgeman

Wow, not just fictional elves but cartoon dogs. People shouldn't be allowed to breed until they have grown up themselves.

WILLIAM ALEXANDER ATTICUS Nesbitt - a brother for Milo, Honor and Thea

The best thing is that this pair of consumate numpties ended their advertisment with 'satis'. I suspect that the children will be anything but 'satis' when they find out how hard it is to be named after a fictional lawyer, a mis-spelled virtue or a brand of hot chocolate.

OPHELIA BEATRIX ALEXANDRA Shepherd-Smith

Deep, deep, down, the Shepherd-Smiths think that they are members of the aristocracy. Unfortunately, the closest they ever got was shoeing their horses and birthing their sheep. So instead they give their children wildly pretentious names, advertise them in the Times and pretend they don't live in a three bedroom semi in Watford.

PEONY PEGGY DAVINA Godfrey

Flowers of the 1970s, names for your grandmother, trash TV presenters. What an eclectic bunch of influences you have. But why inflict them upon your little girl?

BEATRIX HONEY REED Edmunds

The very sight of that name sent twee images of anthropomorphic bees through my head. I can picture them now, buzzing and fornicating their way through the Lake District. Is this how you want people to think of your daughter, Mr & Mrs Edmunds?

HERMIONE POPOCATAPETL Beaumont

I'd be impressed if she was conceived on a volcano. But not so impressed to think that she will ever forgive you, Mr and Mrs Beaumont. And if she ever finds out that Popacatapetl is also a charecter in a sci-fi 'adult' novel...

OLYMPIA MARION Verdon-Roe - a sister for FERNANDA, ALLIETTA and ILONA

This is quite an achievement. Having four daughters is some going, but managing to give every single freaking one of them a silly name is just, well, Olympic standard stupidity. Gold medals and low flying IQs all round.