CLEMENTINE HALO ISABELLA Buchan

So, Mr & Mrs Buchan, she was born near Christmas, was she? I can imagine you thinking:

"Hmm, we ought to give her a Christmassy sort of name"

"How about Mary?"

"Too common. How about Christine?"

"Not that Christmassy, is it? What about Holly?"

"No, too obvious. I know, how about we name her after the orange you get in your stocking?"

"Ooh, yes! And how about that thing angels have on their heads, you know, as a middle name?"

"Great idea. Hello, Directory Moustaches? I'd like the number of my Register Office, please."

MIA DIDI APHRA and TIAGO FINLAY ANTON MacLaren

One of the problems with writing a blog like this is that, sometimes, you get names so awful that your brain freezes. It is almost a self preservation thing. If you thought about it, you'd go stark raving mad.

This is one of those times.

SHARI TAMSYN Hoggett

It. Is. Not. The. Nineteen. Seventies. Any. More. You. Morons.

AMBER BETHANY Cockburn

Forget the appallingly 1990s names, they have made her initials 'ABC'. How cute. How stupid. How nauseating.

PEONIE BO Procter

It's amazing that, sometimes, a name that is twee and insipid can at the same time grate like a set of fingernails on a blackboard. These are names trying so hard to be cute and pretty it almost hurts. But most importantly, YOU DON'T SPELL 'PEONY' LIKE THAT, YOU IDIOTS