Sunday, April 29, 2007

BRONTE Trainor

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when she starts school, no kid is going to know about the famous literary family. On the other hand, you can be that every little boy will know about the enormous dinosaur with the very small brain...

LOLA ROSE MARY Scott

Another prostitute.

TALITHA DOROTHEA REGINA Phillips

Oh God. Look, 'Regina' isn't actually the Queen's middle name. When you see 'Elizabeth Regina' it means she's queen. It's nothing to do with what she was christened as. I'm not even going to comment on the other two names because, frankly, I'm amazed you can even spell them.

LOLA ROSE Mordaunt

Prostitute

WILLA ELSPETH JENIFER Littlehales

I suspect dyslexia. Rampant dyslexia. That or a desire to name their child after a cat. Otherwise it's just rubbish.

CLAUDIA PHENICIA ROSE Kinder

No, not Kind at all, actually.

MICAYLA NAOMI Jackson - a surprise sister for REID, TYLER and Liam

Surprise? How can you not know you are having a baby? Although it might explain why you've made suck a complete horlicks of spelling her first name.

JASPER RAHUL HUGO Hunter

You got out the Big Book of Silly Names For Children and stuck a pin in it, didn't you? Three times. Has there every been someone successful named Jasper? Robert Hughes chose it for comedy value, for goodness sake. I'll accept Jasper fforde, but a strike rate of one in two millennia isn't that auspicious, is it?

HENRY ROBERT Hunt

I'm sorry, what were those initials again? Do you have delusions of grandeur, boy?

IVO LYNDON MAGNUS Davies - a brother and friend for RUFUS

Ivo? Rufus? You spent the late 80s listening to Annie Nightingale, didn't you? If they had been girls, would they be Liz and Chaka by any chance?

(Something tells me that I am going to end up having to explain this one to some bunch of phillistines...)

LEXIE IRIS SHEARER Buckley

Lexie just sounds like a cute animated pencil that pops up on your computer screen to annoy the hell out of you and destroy your train of thought, like that MS Word paperclip thing, only infinitely more cutesy.

And naming your children after footballers is never acceptable. Even the great John Peel is finding life a little toasty for that crime.