MISCHA PARRY TIGER Yearsley

I can't see the name 'Tiger' and not think that the parents loved Double Deckers far too much

TEO ROBERT MONTAGUE Burton

As a general rule, giving your child a first actually means something is a very good idea. The name 'Montague', on the other hand, always leads to comparisons with the uncle from Withnail and I - and we all know how he was described...

LYSANDER RUFUS TALISKER Davies

It's hard to know where to start with this one, but the fact that one of his names is a brand of whiskey leads me to wonder about the circumstances of his conception...

TEAGAN NIAMH LEWIS Green

The first name is South African, the second Irish, the third Celtic and the surname resolutely English. Why not call her 'Mongrel' and have done with it.

SETH THOMAS PETER Hedgcock - a brother for LOVEDAY

In a break with tradition, I wanted to point out the sibling's name. Loveday isn't even a proper noun, it's not even the name of a dodgy TV antiques dealer, it's just, well, awful, really.

TABITHA AILLIE FERNLEY Russell

Always nice to find a small girl named after a brand of cricket bat. Shame they mis-spelt it.

REUBEN MCKERROW and LOIS MAYA Logan

That's right, the twins born to Gaby 'ITV football' and Kenny 'Scottish rugby player' Logan. Don't you think there are enough stupidly named celebrity offspring without you starting?