ZAYLIE ANNABELLE MOZELLA Gore

This must be the first Countdown baby: "I'll have a consonant please Carole, then a vowel, two more consonants and then two more vowels. Yes, that looks suitably stupid..."

ZAK RANLELAGH OVIE Ubugo

What is most upsetting about this is that this is the son of Victor Ubugo. Yes, THAT Victor Ubugo, England prop forward for the best part of a decade, the man who anchored the England scrum in the famous 1993 victory over the All Blacks. His son should be able to trade off his dad's fame, to be able to say that, yes, his dad quite literally is bigger than your dad. He shouldn't have to use that as a defence against having a name like this. Shame.

HENNIE ELISABETH LILY Thompson

What will the next Thompson child be called. Pennie? Or maybe Chicken Licken.

ROXANA LIBERTY Stacey

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Names like this give your daughter one career option and one option alone. It involves standing on street corners...

MARINA RAPHAELA ATHENA Clarke

I actually don't know where to begin with this one. It's just such an unspeakably hideous combination of names, from the echoes of Stingray in the first name, through the 'clever, clever' bit of the last letter always being an 'a', through to the clunking surname at the end. The worst thing of all, though, is that writing all that has given me a brief, scary, insight into what it must be like to be Brian Sewell. Now I feel dirty. I need a bath and a lie down.