TOBIAS HAMILTON Young

You don't even need to meet Tobias to know that he is going to be a Bacardi-swigging, Bombay Sapphire guzzling yahoo who wouldn't dream of allowing something as common as bitter or lager to pass his lips. Nope it is these, or Grey Goose, or nothing for Tobias. If he wants to slum it, he'll have a Martini. I suspect he came out carrying a leather briefcase, looking like the posh kid from The Inbetweeners.

To summarise, England were dumped out of the 2011 Rugby World Cup after a string of poor performances. Their best player over that time was named Tobias. There is no need to say more.

OTTO CASPAR Manson-Bahr

Yay! You've really cracked the serial-killing-vague-National-Socialism-friendly-ghost market here

WILHELMINA ROSAMUND VENITIA De Blocq Van Kuffeler

OK, I accept that 'Jane' probably wasn't an option here. There are at least three drawbacks to this name, though:

1. How the hell are you going to yell it at her when she's misbehaving? She'll be an adult before you finish;

2. Good luck teaching her to write it;

3. It is the most hideous thing I have heard since I mistakenly taped myself singing

GEORGE AUGUSTUS HEILYN TAPPS GERVIS Meyrick

Wow. I make that one decent emperor to a bonkers king, something Welsh that sounds like a Nazi salute, part of a sink and a fat comedian (almost).

IONA LUCI OPHELIA BUNTY Low

Your daughter has more initials than there are letters in your surname. One of her names is 'Bunty', which no-one has been called since Agatha Christie breathed her last. You have spelled 'Luci' as if you began to spell 'Lucinda' and forgot how to. You will have a lot of explaining to do for the next 18 years.

XANTHE MEREDITH FELICITY Wilson - a sister for FLORA, HUGH and HECTOR

What I really hate about this is not the names themselves. OK, so one of them reminds me of a cartoon dog, but the rest of them are OK and I've always liked 'Xanthe' as one of the nicer unusual names.

No, the problem here is the sheer arse-clenching pretentiousness of it all. Giving one child a slightly offbeat name is fine. Giving four children offbeat names - one of them, I will say it again, a dog's name - is just a parent's way of screaming 'I'm a bit whacky, I am'. Sadly, we've all met that kind of person and we all know what they are really like.

NAKIESHA GABRIELLA Kemp

You're just making names up now, aren't you?