ISMEY ETTA CONSTANCE Hawley

In a not-at-all auspicious start, the Hawley's name their daughter after the family which owned the Titanic.

BAMBER ALEXANDER MOORE Mauleverer

A lifetime of loud sweaters and fratricide awaits...

DAKOTA BLUE Richards

Well I never, a child conceived whilst joining the Mile High Club. Or that is what I am assuming, seeing as there is no other explanation for this rubbish.

BARNES, LEVEN, HAMILTON, HAIG and FORBES McNaughton

Apparently Mr and Mrs McNaughton educate their children at home rather than sending them to school. Let's hope geography lessons include more than 'Places in Scotland where Mummy and Daddy had sex'.