You Called Your Kid WHAT?

TOBIAS HAMILTON Young

2011-10-20T08:30:00.000+01:00

You don't even need to meet Tobias to know that he is going to be a Bacardi-swigging, Bombay Sapphire guzzling yahoo who wouldn't dream of allowing something as common as bitter or lager to pass his lips. Nope it is these, or Grey Goose, or nothing for Tobias. If he wants to slum it, he'll have a Martini. I suspect he came out carrying a leather briefcase, looking like the posh kid from The Inbetweeners.

To summarise, England were dumped out of the 2011 Rugby World Cup after a string of poor performances. Their best player over that time was named Tobias. There is no need to say more.

OTTO CASPAR Manson-Bahr

2011-10-18T08:30:00.000+01:00

Yay! You've really cracked the serial-killing-vague-National-Socialism-friendly-ghost market here

WILHELMINA ROSAMUND VENITIA De Blocq Van Kuffeler

2011-10-13T08:26:00.002+01:00

OK, I accept that 'Jane' probably wasn't an option here. There are at least three drawbacks to this name, though:

1. How the hell are you going to yell it at her when she's misbehaving? She'll be an adult before you finish;

2. Good luck teaching her to write it;

3. It is the most hideous thing I have heard since I mistakenly taped myself singing

GEORGE AUGUSTUS HEILYN TAPPS GERVIS Meyrick

2011-10-11T08:22:00.001+01:00

Wow. I make that one decent emperor to a bonkers king, something Welsh that sounds like a Nazi salute, part of a sink and a fat comedian (almost).

IONA LUCI OPHELIA BUNTY Low

2011-10-07T08:16:00.000+01:00

Your daughter has more initials than there are letters in your surname. One of her names is 'Bunty', which no-one has been called since Agatha Christie breathed her last. You have spelled 'Luci' as if you began to spell 'Lucinda' and forgot how to. You will have a lot of explaining to do for the next 18 years.

XANTHE MEREDITH FELICITY Wilson - a sister for FLORA, HUGH and HECTOR

2011-10-06T21:16:00.000+01:00

What I really hate about this is not the names themselves. OK, so one of them reminds me of a cartoon dog, but the rest of them are OK and I've always liked 'Xanthe' as one of the nicer unusual names.

No, the problem here is the sheer arse-clenching pretentiousness of it all. Giving one child a slightly offbeat name is fine. Giving four children offbeat names - one of them, I will say it again, a dog's name - is just a parent's way of screaming 'I'm a bit whacky, I am'. Sadly, we've all met that kind of person and we all know what they are really like.

NAKIESHA GABRIELLA Kemp

2008-08-27T07:54:00.000+01:00

You're just making names up now, aren't you?

ZACHARY Zbar

2008-06-22T10:53:00.002+01:00

ZZ Top fans, are we? Admit it, you want your son to grow a huge beard and rock out, don't you. Meanwhile, the rest of us will stick to hoping our kids grow up to be normal

ELFYE MAY Richards

2008-06-22T10:51:00.002+01:00

What happened here? Did you decide to call your daughter 'Elfie', then realise what a stupid name it was? If so, why not change the name, rather than the spelling?

And, if this was your intention all along, isn't that even more stupid than the scenario above?

FALINE Logan-Griffin - a sister for CALIA

2008-05-21T18:07:00.000+01:00

You named your kid after Bambi's girlfriend? What the heck were you thinking? Did you not know that she was also his cousin, yet had his babies? What kind of sick life are you planning for your child?

And I hope Calia is a boy, otherwise you named your eldest daughter 'Bush'.

SCARLET TRIXIBELLE Playfair

2008-02-16T18:06:00.000Z

Never, ever, no matter how tempting it is, name your daughter after your favourite lap dancer.

THEODORA LILY MOFFAT Flanagan

2008-02-01T18:03:00.000Z

Apparently, little Theodora is going to be known as 'Teddy'. This gives rise to two potential - and presumably parentally unthought of - problems.

First of all, how do you react when one of your other four children says "Teddy's dirty, can I put her in the washing machine?"

Second, with a surname like 'Flanagan', she's going to go through school known as 'Teddy Flange'.

JACK ROCKET ELLIOT Baird-Murray

2008-01-25T21:10:00.000Z

Oh for Pete's sake, if you can't work out what is stupid about this, Mr & Mrs Baird-Murray, I am not going to help you.

HORATIO RUFUS LEONIDAS Croisdale-Appleby

2008-01-18T21:06:00.000Z

First of all, you have a double-barrelled surname, therefore everyone is going to think your son is a toffee nosed twit before they meet him.

Then they find that he has three of the most pretentious first names ever and decide that, yes, he is a toffee nosed twit and flush his head down the bog.

Why would you make this happen to your child?

ARAMINTA MARY LEONORA Whipple

2008-01-12T21:05:00.000Z

How to make your daughter sound like an ice cream, without actually naming her Rumnraisin.

ARAMINTA MARY LEONORA Whipple

2008-01-05T11:05:00.000Z

How to make your daughter sound like an ice cream, without actually naming her Rumnraisin.

HARRY DISCRETION HYATT Williams

2007-08-27T20:24:00.000+01:00

I admit that I didn't know that people still named their children after personal traits, but I'm pretty damn sure that they don't also name them after international hotel chains.

BLAKE XYA Scammell

2007-08-20T21:05:00.000+01:00

I accept that you can't do anything about landing him with a surname like a truck, but you could have avoided the following

Giving him a middle name so pretentious, even Brian Sewell wouldn't touch it;
Announcing that he was born in a "Family Birthing Centre" - isn't the point of birthing to produce a family, or do you usually eat your young, Mr & Mrs Sewel...sorry, Scammell;
At the same time, announcing that he weighed 3.34 kilos, when everyone but you knows that the unit weight for babies is the lb.

It's people like you who make me think that the human race is doomed

NED WILLIAM ACE HUKE Holland

2007-08-13T20:03:00.000+01:00

Ace?

Huke??

The perils of visiting the register office whilst drunk.

GIL AUGUSTUS Grace - a brother for Sebastian, Silas and Jasper

2007-08-07T21:00:00.000+01:00

Looks like someone was conceived whilst CSI was on the television. Just as his brothers were the products of Brideshead Revisited, a Dickens adaptation and Carrot's Commercial Breakdown. Probably time to switch off the telly and take up reading, Mr & Mrs Grace

WILFRED MICHAEL CHARLES Dewhurst

2007-07-30T19:57:00.000+01:00

Congratulations, you now have your own Bash Street Kid. You know how some names are coming back? This wasn't one of them, because to several generations, Wilfred will always be a small boy whose jumper covers his mouth.

Go on, I dare you to call your next one Cuthbert.

JAKE PERICLES Daly

2007-07-23T20:52:00.000+01:00

Hmm, so you don't have high ambitions for him, then? First Citizen of Athens would do? Why not go the whole hog and call him Zeus? Or could you, perhaps, just let him make his own way in life, without saddling him with a name that means he has be something he can never be?

FLORA SUSAN Calthorpe - a sister for BARNABY

2007-07-19T19:45:00.000+01:00

Allow me to be the first of many who will, during her lifetime, suggest that Flora is known for spreading easily

CYRUS T Young

2007-07-12T20:46:00.000+01:00

What? Not only do you lumber the poor lad with Cyrus, guaranteeing a lifetime of people singing 'Achy Breaky Heart' at him, but you don't even have the decency to give him a middle name, just an initial? How cruel can you be?

SKYE BELL RUFFMAN Turner

2007-07-09T20:28:00.000+01:00

I don't have any way of checking how many people actually read this thing. I'm sure it is not many. If it were, I would think that you had done this deliberately, just to get on here, Mr & Mrs Turner. I mean, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

ATALANTA CICELY BROOKE Le Breton

2007-07-05T20:34:00.000+01:00

This is going to be one confused little lady. Take the French surname, throw in a hint of Channel Island, add a first name that is United States by way of Chavsville, Essex and then chuck in a couple of middle names culled straight from an unpublished Miss Marple novel.

"Where did I come from, Mummy and Daddy, because from my name it seems to be freaking everywhere"

LUDOVIC PERCIVAL Clark

2007-07-01T20:31:00.000+01:00

Wow, that was a long labour. It apparently started somewhere around 1920 and only ended last month. Still, at least you stuck to the names you first thought of...

LARISSA ROSE HARLAND James

2007-06-25T20:29:00.000+01:00

The name 'Larissa' always sounds to me like the brand name for a milk drink, but the 'Harland James' bit confusingly puts me in mind of a defunct motorcycle manufacturer. Neither of these are good things for a little girl to be associated with.

LILYELLA Sweeney

2007-06-17T21:48:00.000+01:00

Now you're just being silly. Or did you want your daughter to sound like a brand of sanitary towel?

COSKUN MARK Lewens

2007-06-14T21:44:00.000+01:00

I trust I don't need to spell out what this poor little mite will be known as at school?

CLIO LOWDON Laverick

2007-06-09T20:21:00.000+01:00

For the benefit of the hard of thinking:

Clio = small French car

Cleo = small English girl

*Thanks to Belle for this one

MATILDA IMOGEN WENDY SANTUZZA Kingsbury

2007-06-08T21:40:00.000+01:00

When Roald Dahl and JM Barrie meet the world of opera, this is what happens. Grim

MYRTLE Hobson

2007-06-08T10:38:00.000+01:00

The parents are called Aline and Barney. Some people never, ever, learn.

ARCHIE GUY DIBDIN Hestletine

2007-06-03T21:37:00.000+01:00

Ooh, look - spot the Aurelio Zen lovers

CLARITY RUSCOMBE Reynolds - a sister for Bliss and Hope

2007-05-25T21:45:00.000+01:00

I'm putting my foot down here, Mr & Mrs Reynolds. No more children until you have learned the difference between a noun and a name.

AUSTIN CHARLIE Gentry - a brother for ZABIAN

2007-05-25T21:33:00.000+01:00

I've no complaints about the name Austin. None at all. Zabian, on the other hand, is the sort of name you get when you pick letters randomly from a Scrabble bag. And just because it is the name of an American basketball player does not make it a good thing. That's the country that thought eight years of George Walker Bush was a good thing, remember.

DIGBY PERIGRINE Eliot

2007-05-21T21:29:00.000+01:00

So, that's the Shaggy DA, a falcon and my grandmother's ginger tom cat, all bound up in one name so firmly rooted in 19th century literature it's a wonder the poor little chap didn't come with with his own wet nurse and set of antimacassars. Lovely.

A message from the 'author'

2007-05-14T21:52:00.000+01:00

I didn't know I had readers! I started this a couple of years ago as something to amuse myself and maybe a small group of friends. I've just spotted some of the comments and realised that people are reading it who I don't know at all. Welcome to my world.

The number and frequency of posts on here has always been dictated by the number of amusing - or, in some cases, downright stupid - names available, and also by how much time I have to devote to writing. I can see I am going to have to be more consistent in future, so you'll probably find that there are fewer, but more frequent, new entries. I don't want to lose you, now that I have sucked you in.

To find that the mother of one child was reading gave me something of a shock - hi, Venus - but I promise that this won't make me any less critical, or indeed rude. I might stop using the word 'prostitute' quite as often, though.

Finally, if you find that the entries start to trail off again in a few months, it's just because my wife is five months pregnant and that. because of this blog, I am now a scared man...

PORTIA TRINITY MALINI SINGARAYER Alford - a sister for NATHANAEL and TRISTAN

2007-05-14T21:21:00.000+01:00

Credit where it is due. Mr & Mrs Awful - sorry, Alford - at least know that you give the name Trinity to your third child. But what kind of a family is it where a child called Tristan is the one who got off lightly? A quick search of Google reveals that Nathanael is probably the only person on the planet with that name - unless you count those who have been dead for 180 years or so, in which case they are probably a bit dusty by now and not a good role model for a child.

BRONTE Trainor

2007-04-29T21:07:00.000+01:00

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when she starts school, no kid is going to know about the famous literary family. On the other hand, you can be that every little boy will know about the enormous dinosaur with the very small brain...

LOLA ROSE MARY Scott

2007-04-29T21:06:00.000+01:00

Another prostitute.

TALITHA DOROTHEA REGINA Phillips

2007-04-29T21:03:00.000+01:00

Oh God. Look, 'Regina' isn't actually the Queen's middle name. When you see 'Elizabeth Regina' it means she's queen. It's nothing to do with what she was christened as. I'm not even going to comment on the other two names because, frankly, I'm amazed you can even spell them.

LOLA ROSE Mordaunt

2007-04-29T21:02:00.000+01:00

Prostitute

WILLA ELSPETH JENIFER Littlehales

2007-04-29T21:00:00.002+01:00

I suspect dyslexia. Rampant dyslexia. That or a desire to name their child after a cat. Otherwise it's just rubbish.

CLAUDIA PHENICIA ROSE Kinder

2007-04-29T21:00:00.001+01:00

No, not Kind at all, actually.

MICAYLA NAOMI Jackson - a surprise sister for REID, TYLER and Liam

2007-04-29T20:57:00.000+01:00

Surprise? How can you not know you are having a baby? Although it might explain why you've made suck a complete horlicks of spelling her first name.

JASPER RAHUL HUGO Hunter

2007-04-29T20:53:00.000+01:00

You got out the Big Book of Silly Names For Children and stuck a pin in it, didn't you? Three times. Has there every been someone successful named Jasper? Robert Hughes chose it for comedy value, for goodness sake. I'll accept Jasper fforde, but a strike rate of one in two millennia isn't that auspicious, is it?

HENRY ROBERT Hunt

2007-04-29T20:51:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry, what were those initials again? Do you have delusions of grandeur, boy?

IVO LYNDON MAGNUS Davies - a brother and friend for RUFUS

2007-04-29T20:48:00.000+01:00

Ivo? Rufus? You spent the late 80s listening to Annie Nightingale, didn't you? If they had been girls, would they be Liz and Chaka by any chance?

(Something tells me that I am going to end up having to explain this one to some bunch of phillistines...)

LEXIE IRIS SHEARER Buckley

2007-04-29T20:46:00.000+01:00

Lexie just sounds like a cute animated pencil that pops up on your computer screen to annoy the hell out of you and destroy your train of thought, like that MS Word paperclip thing, only infinitely more cutesy.

And naming your children after footballers is never acceptable. Even the great John Peel is finding life a little toasty for that crime.

ATALANTA CONSTANCE and ALGY GORDON FANSHAWE Royal - a sister and brother for Anoushka

2007-03-29T20:41:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure which is more startling here. Algy, the sort of name not seen since Lenny Henry became Algernon Razzmatazz? Fanshaw, which I guess he should be happy isn't spelled Featherstonehugh? Or Constance, the sort of name guaranteed to make your daughter as contrary as Mary Mary?

Actually, I do know. It's Atalanta. Where the heck did that come from in this dog's dinner of abysmal nomenclature? I mean, it's not a nice name, but at least it seems to have come from somewhere close to the end of the last century.

HERMIONE MILLICENT Heppinstall

2007-03-29T20:39:00.000+01:00

I can only presume that this is Victorian Dad's latest child. Either that, or the only book of children's names they could find was from about 1879.

TITUS JASPER JAKE ICARUS Rellie

2007-03-29T20:36:00.000+01:00

Frankly, he is going to need all of the rellies he can get, because he's not going to get much change out of his friends. Let's go through this. He's Titus, after an infamous liar and perjurer. He's Jasper, a name of fun thanks to one Robert Davies. And he's Icarus, after the bloke who disobeyed the very simple instruction not to get too close to the sun. What's the betting he ends up being known as Jake?

SHEHEREZADE OGUZ Reith

2007-03-16T21:05:00.000Z

I have not the words...

WILHELMINA SYBIL MARGARET McArdle

2007-03-16T20:57:00.000Z

Even allowing for the obvious Irish connection, this is the sort of name which just screams 'please let my daughter be bullied by nuns'.

ESME ISADORA FREYA Evans

2007-03-16T20:51:00.000Z

Esme Evans sounds like a spinster in 1920's Cardiff. Sorry, but it just DOES.

HUGO JAMES Donald - a brother for ARCHIE AND MONTY

2007-03-16T20:49:00.000Z

Oh! I say! If we get any more upper crust, we'll turn into a pie.

MARTHA ALICE Danks

2007-03-16T20:47:00.000Z

Oh dear. The poor girl already has to go a couple of decades with a faintly depressing surname, but now you go and give her a first name that, when combined with the depressing surname, makes her sound like a Victorian murder victim.

HECTOR VIKRAM JOHN Bodker

2007-03-16T20:43:00.000Z

You have to accept that, to a certain proportion of the British population, 'Hector' will always be a cartoon dog. How was known for one thing. Being rather stupid. Still, too late to change it now, eh, Mr & Mrs Bodker.

MEREDITH ROSE O'Rourke - a sister for ISMENA and NAHLA

2007-03-16T20:33:00.000Z

Is Nahla even a name, or an acronym?

And 'Meredith'? Let me guess, mummy was watching Grey's Anatomy during the labour (or possibly the conception)

ALGERNON BASIL Lindsay-Flynn

2007-03-16T20:31:00.000Z

Why? In the name of all that is sacred, why?

CHARLIE GLADYS CLEMENTINE Hulse - a sister for APONI

2007-03-16T20:27:00.000Z

Mrs Hulse got a daughter, when what she really wanted was Aponi.

Awful jokes are appropriate here, because poor little Charlie has got some real clangers for middle names. Naming after the mother is fine, the grandmother acceptable, but the great-great-great grandmother? If she'd been a boy, I'm sure she'd have been called Walter.

MYLO RICHARD YVES GALLAGHER

2007-03-16T20:23:00.000Z

OK, we get the message, you like dance music. A lot. Just hope that he does...

FALCONER JACK Brocklebank

2007-03-16T20:19:00.001Z

You are joking? Dear God, you have to be joking? Either you have some idea of your son's future career, or you are shamelessly sucking up to the Lord Chancellor.

CHARLES BANQUO Aldridge - a brother for Matilda

2007-03-16T20:15:00.000Z

One of the important things about Shakespeare, Mr and Mrs Aldridge, is that he lived and wrote a very long time ago. You clearly don't know this, because if you did you would also realise that Banquo ended up as a flippin' ghost. You know, there's a good chance that the baby already knows more about the Bard than you do.

2006-12-21T18:50:00.000Z

CLEMENTINE HALO ISABELLA Buchan

So, Mr & Mrs Buchan, she was born near Christmas, was she? I can imagine you thinking:

"Hmm, we ought to give her a Christmassy sort of name"

"How about Mary?"

"Too common. How about Christine?"

"Not that Christmassy, is it? What about Holly?"

"No, too obvious. I know, how about we name her after the orange you get in your stocking?"

"Ooh, yes! And how about that thing angels have on their heads, you know, as a middle name?"

"Great idea. Hello, Directory Moustaches? I'd like the number of my Register Office, please."

2006-12-20T23:45:00.000Z

MIA DIDI APHRA and TIAGO FINLAY ANTON MacLaren

One of the problems with writing a blog like this is that, sometimes, you get names so awful that your brain freezes. It is almost a self preservation thing. If you thought about it, you'd go stark raving mad.

This is one of those times.

2006-12-20T23:38:00.000Z

SHARI TAMSYN Hoggett

It. Is. Not. The. Nineteen. Seventies. Any. More. You. Morons.

2006-12-20T23:30:00.000Z

AMBER BETHANY Cockburn

Forget the appallingly 1990s names, they have made her initials 'ABC'. How cute. How stupid. How nauseating.

2006-12-07T16:30:00.000Z

PEONIE BO Procter

It's amazing that, sometimes, a name that is twee and insipid can at the same time grate like a set of fingernails on a blackboard. These are names trying so hard to be cute and pretty it almost hurts. But most importantly, YOU DON'T SPELL 'PEONY' LIKE THAT, YOU IDIOTS

2006-11-16T13:54:00.000Z

SILER ROSS BRINT Bargo

Forever to be known as 'Silage'...

2006-11-06T13:13:00.000Z

COSIMA CELERY Cummings

OK, the 'CCC' initials were daft enough. 'Cosima' is stretching the bounds of credibility. But 'Celery' is, among a very strong field, just about the daftest name on here. Celery is popularly known as 'The Fast Vegetable', which is hardly a nice thing to call your newborn daughter. In fact, not so much 'CCC' as 'NSPCC', I think.

2006-11-06T13:11:00.000Z

SIENNA OCEANA Lewis-Driver

This sounds like Miss Lewis-Driver was named after the cruise liners she may have been concieved aboard.

2006-10-21T22:11:00.000+01:00

PERCY ANDREW PETER Hugh Smith - a brother for Teddy and Jemima

Someone's mummy and daddy watched way too many children's shows in the 1970s. Having done Thomas the Tank Engine, to follow Andy Pandy and Play School, what next? Morph? Bungle? Hartley?

Look on the bright side, Perce. You could have been a Humpty.

2006-10-21T22:05:00.000+01:00

FLORA MYRTLE Burrell - a sister for Coco, Wilhelmina and Banjo

Banjo? What kind of arrant fvckwit names their child after a musical instrument? Was he - I am assuming the child is male - the result of some innocent strumming? Or did the parents pick a word from the Big Book of Uncool Instruments?

I hate to tell you this, Flora Myrtle, but you got off likely. Oh, and you have idiots for parents.

2006-10-16T09:15:00.000+01:00

JUNO Temple

Another celebrity one. Again, I make no apologies for including her. What was her father [Julien, the film director] thinking of? Is there any logical reason to name your daughter after the wife of a Roman god? Or did he want people to think of her in the same terms as a garden folly? Maybe she was...

2006-10-03T20:38:00.000+01:00

MAGIC de Lacey

As Wayne Campbell (he of Waynes World fame) would say, "Exsqueeze me?"

Magic?

Magic??

MAGIC?!?!?!?

Not a lot for a kid to live up to, is it? Either (a) you want him to be the best in the world at everything he does or (b) you want him to be the next David Blaine. Talk about imposing your own ambitions upon a child.

My guess would be that Mr & Mrs de Lacey are trying to live out their failed little lives vicariously through their child, having discovered that their only talent is for inheriting large sums of money.

2006-10-03T20:27:00.000+01:00

LOLA KITTY Prior

It appears that Mr & Mrs Prior actually want their daughter to grow up to be a prostitute.

2006-09-05T23:05:00.000+01:00

ISABEL LAYLA ROMOLA SWINTON Ogilvy

This is a frankly incomprehensible collection of names, at least until you realise that the mother's maiden name was Wakefield, which at least explains another northern town being in there. Does she know it is not in Yorkshire, though?

2006-09-05T23:03:00.000+01:00

RAVEN and PERSIA Numan

A rare celebrity entry. I don't normally do these, but this pair are so awful that I couldn't resist. Isn't it enough that your father is a Thatcher-loving, plane-flying, panstick-wearing weirdo whose first hit record was about having his robot friend break down? Apparently not.

2006-08-22T23:17:00.000+01:00

AMALIA HELENA ANNMARIE Zwart

Amalia Zwart, meet the girl who is going through school known as I'm Only A Wart. She's here, in this mirror...

2006-08-22T23:13:00.000+01:00

DARCEY ZINNIA Stapleton

Clearly, this is Darcey after the ballet dancer and Zinnia after the flower, so is it wrong of me to hope that she grows up to be an 18 stone lorry driver?

Thought not.

2006-08-22T23:09:00.000+01:00

BOUDICCA XANTHE Llewellyn

(1) No-one outside Sheepland can spell or pronounce your surname, so why are you saddling your daughter with equally unspellable, unpronounceable forenames?

(2) When you come down to breakfast one morning and she's glued the kitchen knives to the wheels of her pushchair, you've only got yourselves to blame, OK.

2006-08-22T23:05:00.000+01:00

POPPY FLORA LOLA Jonas - a sister for Otto

Oh come on, how much alliteration does one girl need. And 'Otto Jonas' sounds like the sort of name a cheap high street shop brands their clothes as because no-one who has been within spitting distance of a fashion college would touch their lines with a bargepole.

2006-08-08T23:01:00.000+01:00

MORRIS BARNABY BRACHER Griffin

Four surnames????

2006-08-08T22:57:00.000+01:00

HUGO DANTON ANGELL Everard

Leaving aside the fact that Everard is no name for a child, do these people not know what happened to Georges Danton? Maybe we can expect little Robespierre and Desmoulins to be along soon. Oh, not to mention the use of Hugo. Tres Miserables, ne c`est pas?

2006-08-07T00:37:00.000+01:00

WYNDHAM BLAKE Winterburn - a brother for Walter and William.

An unnatural obsession with the letter W leads me to think that the Winterburns are the sort of Ws that rhyme with the bankers they almost certainly are.

2006-07-30T21:41:00.000+01:00

ISMEY ETTA CONSTANCE Hawley

In a not-at-all auspicious start, the Hawley's name their daughter after the family which owned the Titanic.

2006-07-16T20:27:00.000+01:00

BAMBER ALEXANDER MOORE Mauleverer

A lifetime of loud sweaters and fratricide awaits...

2006-07-15T13:12:00.000+01:00

DAKOTA BLUE Richards

Well I never, a child conceived whilst joining the Mile High Club. Or that is what I am assuming, seeing as there is no other explanation for this rubbish.

2006-07-04T22:15:00.000+01:00

BARNES, LEVEN, HAMILTON, HAIG and FORBES McNaughton

Apparently Mr and Mrs McNaughton educate their children at home rather than sending them to school. Let's hope geography lessons include more than 'Places in Scotland where Mummy and Daddy had sex'.

2006-06-18T21:48:00.000+01:00

TALLULAH FAY WAIMATHA Smith

Oh good grief...

2006-06-18T21:45:00.000+01:00

SAGE JENIFER Bidwell - a sister for LILI and WILLOW

Leaving aside the rampant dyslexia (believe me, the middle name really IS spelled like that) why on earth are the Bidwell's naming their kids after stuff that grows in the garden? What next, Nettle? Thistle? Dogweed? I'd better stop, I might just be giving them ideas...

2006-06-14T23:56:00.000+01:00

SUMMER SKYE CARLY Hardy - a sister for SAM, LUDO and NICO

Conceived whilst the couple were watching Neighbours. Which is better than trying to follow the plot line, but no excuse for giving your children such crass, hippy trippy names.

2006-06-03T20:25:00.000+01:00

MIKI PARISA MACALPINE Budd

Erm, are we just making names up now? Actually, to be fair, 'Parisa' does sound like the model of the car she was conceived in, perhaps on a McAlpine building site? Or am I just taking the Miki?

2006-05-30T15:51:00.000+01:00

FREDERICK JACOB PASTERNAK Wiseman

So, you want him to be an author. If you are very lucky, he can take a hint. If you are not, he'll wind up as a street cleaner.

2006-05-30T15:48:00.000+01:00

SITA ORCHID GERTRUDE Philip

I don't normally pick up names with a foreign origin, but the combination of Orchid with Gertrude is just so awful and clunking that I can't ignore it. It's the naming equivalent of someone running their fingernails down a blackboard. Horrible horrible horrible.

2006-05-30T15:44:00.000+01:00

AGATHA ROSE ARCHDALE Lees - a sister for Oli

Look, you muppets, it's 2006 not 1906. There's probably not been another child called Agatha since then. And what kind of a name is 'Oli'?

2006-05-30T15:42:00.000+01:00

OLIVER Irow

It's not the first name, it's the whole name with this one. Try saying 'O.Irow' without sounding like the Kim Jong-Il puppet in Team America. Go on, bet you can't manage it...

2006-05-30T15:41:00.000+01:00

FELIX SAMUEL BEAUMONT Day

I hope he grows up a cat lover, because he's going to get the "Cats who like Felix..." comment an awful lot